This journal is friends-only. My fanfic & selling posts will remain public. But if you want to read mindless ramblings and sporadic nonsense, by all means, comment on this post and ask to be added.

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It's been a couple of days now.. I've just felt brave enough to actually express my thoughts about the whole thing.

In a nutshell I cried. What fan didn't? Maybe if you didn't cry on the outside, you cried on the inside.. But I think a million hearts kinda broke that day. Not that we weren't prepared for the fall or the eventuality. I think we all kinda knew, yet we hoped otherwise.

It hurts. I still hurt. But we C:BE:iC are strong. We'll hold on for our beloved boys. We will wait. Even if I cry thousand and one tears this year, and still have more to cry, I will still wait. Cos that's how much we love them. When they hurt, we hurt too. We will wait for the day, we can see their beautiful smiles on the same stage again.

Til then, I will try to smile, even with tears in my eyes, even though I am hurting so much like I'm dying inside. Cos I don't want to cause them any more pain than they're already feeling.

Junsu, Yoochun, Jaejoong, Changmin, Yunho. Saranghae. I love you. I will wait for you. I will look forward to the day where I will see you on stage once again, and I will cry my eyes out.. and my heart will hurt.. but this time, it won't be from sadness.. it will be from overwhelming happiness. Like the kind that I felt when I first saw you singing 'Hug' live on stage.

Everyone, hang in there. Always Keep The Faith. Let's support each other and get through this together! Only other DBSK fans truly know how each other feels.. and we are united in our feelings and love.

Hugs everyone. Be well.. and take care of yourselves as best as you can. FIGHTING!



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Now playing: DBSK/Tohoshinki - Holding Back The Tears
via FoxyTunes   

I am happy.

I seriously am.

December/January have been AMAZING so far, and I feel completely blessed right now.

First of all.. I GOT A JOB! Not just ANY job, but MY DREAM JOB. I'm now working for The Brunei Times, as a Features Writer. I still can't quite believe it. Today is the end of my first week, and I just submitted my FIRST STORY.  I can't tell you how much it thrills me..

Maybe you've read the story before.. but for as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a journalist. From the day I saw Kermit the Frog reporting on 'Sesame Street News' I knew I wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to bring stories to people. I even studied Journalism and Communication studies in the UK for my degree, so I was kinda devastated when my mom wanted me to work for her when I came home. It was around the time that The Brunei Times started too, so I've waited 3 years to get my dream job! 3 effing years.

And I am grateful. It hasn't been an easy wait, but let me tell you, if I didn't wait, I probably wouldn't have appreciated this as much.

The other crazy thing is... I am a WRITER. It's my official POSITION. I am a FEATURES WRITER... I can still remember being in London, watching 'Sex in the City' with my girlfriends, and wishing I was Carrie, that I would get paid to write, I wanted to be a PAID WRITER desperately. AND NOW I DO! It makes me want to cry from overwhelming joy! I still open my work e-mail at least a dozen times a day to look at the damn signature where it states my name, my position, and the name of the paper. Aww crap, I'm even getting teary right now.

So many things have happened, I still can't quite wrap my head around it. I keep thinking this is a dream and I'm gonna wake up soon.. but when I wake in the morning.. and realise that I'm actually living most of what I've wished for...

I just wanna say to you all.. No matter what happens, no matter how hard everything is.. hold on to two things... your dreams and your belief. It's two things I always keep in my heart, which is why I used the nick 'dreamideoyo' in the first place.

Your dreams will keep you going, your belief will get you there. It took me years to get me here.. and I guess God must have thought I had waited enough..

So whatever you're wishing for, dreaming of.. wish hard, dream big.. and never stop believing.. cos trust me.. I'm finally where I want to be.

*wishes hard to marry Junsu* XDDDDDD

Parents are in the midst of a divorce.

Angry or sad, not sure how to feel. Confused mostly. Have taken out frustrations with major retail therapy. I bought 4 pairs of shoes totalling $200 this week alone. And make-up and clothes.

Mom's living in my room at the moment. She takes her anger out on me, when not fighting with my dad. I have to keep thinking.. "This too shall pass.." or I'll go fucking crazy. I'm hurting in a major way, but I have to pretend I'm not because a couple of very good friends are getting married, and I'm a bridesmaid. You don't know what pain is until you have to smile through the solemnisation ceremony, listening about how two people are in love and getting together, when your heart is breaking over the reality that your family is about to be broken apart. Award for best actress at a wedding goes to...

Divorce here is kinda different. My parents are already technically classed as 'separated' and 'pending', but there's a grace period of 3 months before it's final. I don't know, at this rate, I kinda wish it was over now. There are times I've wanted to stab them both just to end each other's suffering. I'm going to hell for that remark, aren't I?
 
I'm lonely and suffocated right now. I forgot what happiness looked or felt like. We were supposed to go on a family trip to Japan next month, around the time of my birthday, and I was supposed to get loaded on Tohoshinki stuff and go to Disney SEA and Sanrio land. Guess that's all a pipe dream now..

Every night I go to sleep, and keep wishing that everything's just a bad dream. When I wake up, it's not..

I feel like Buffy Circa Season 6.. Alive, but not living.

Back to the gym that is.. I thought I'd amp it up a little, and focus my workouts more. At home with the bike, it's easy to get distracted and interrupted. And I like the headspace and concentration that working out at the gym affords.

I have to get used to the early mornings though. I'm not a morning person, so getting up early, having breakfast and hitting up the gym is no mean feat. I want to avoid the crowds and seeing people I know there. When I go in the afternoons, it quickly becomes more of a social gathering and gossip session rather than a focused sweaty session.

I need to put together a playlist though. I couldn't get 'in the zone' because I was constantly skipping songs on my ipod. Right now, I'm totally into the English version of Heartbreaker. The "heart-heart-heart-breaker" bit is most awesome to up the pace from brisk walk into light jog. Whee!

Today, I went 3 rounds of 10 mins each on the elliptical trainer, bike and treadmill. Avg heartrate : 165bpm. Calories burned (Approx. by machines) : 250 (BOO!!!)
The feeling of actually going to the gym and having worked out : unmeasurable!

Taking a few days off to sort out my forums and get ready for the end of the fasting month.. All chaos is about to break loose.. LOL

Here's to hoping that our boys get the court judgment they need to set things right. *fingers crossed*

"Always Keep the Faith" <3 you all!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=144580073080

On better news... Jaebum is a trending topic on twitter..

Tagged by lydzi_de_galles

( Meme and long answers here plz! )

My day is divided up like this.. 5 hours of sleep (which is never enough!), 10-12 hours on the computer/internet (inclusive of the time I'm at work), 2 allocated to dramas/tv and randomness like driving/make-up/showering/dressing etc., 3 when I'm out with my friends, 2 hours at the gym, and the latter 2 will be spent in front of the computer if I don't gym it or go out with my friends..

So I spend a LOT of time in front of my computer.. hence I'm so pasty.. But YET.. How does everyone keep up with all the forums/social websites/news and still stay ahead??? I feel like.. Holy mother of sock... :-/.. I feel really bad that I have memberships to forums I hardly sign in to... never mind managing the Brunei TVXQ forums.. and I still feel like I'm left behind in everything.. and I BARELY have a social life as it is.. save for gymming and hanging out with my girls.. and I make it up to them by lunching with them..

And, not only does everyone have time to blog/chat/surf/spazz.. but also sub/icon/moderate/write fanfic???

HOW do you do it, seriously??

Am I sleeping too much? Is that why?

Or am I just needlessly panicking about this, and should really just switch off my computer one day and get a life, lest it leaves me behind?

But I like being pasty... :-/

Thank God nobody can see me dancing like an idiot.. :D

I wonder if God laughs at me sometimes when I do... XD

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Now playing: SMTOWN - Seaside 휴게소 (Boom Boom) (Sung By 동방신기, 슈퍼주니어, SHINee)
via FoxyTunes